Miss Espana

Last night they had the Miss Espana pageant on television. It was so exciting; a defining moment in my life when I realised I wanted to be beautiful and tall and fake-bronzed with long dark brown hair and look like a clone. Ha!

It was absolutely hysterical. All the girls looked exactly the same except for this one girl, Miss Wherever who hadn't been fake-tanned properly so during the swimsuit strut, she came on with an tiny black bikini, pale white limbs and a face as dark as an Aussie farmer's. We knew she wouldn't get through that round. Her doom was set. Aside from her, I kept getting all the girls confused because they seriously looked exactly the same- like Barbie dolls that had been put in the oven. Normally in beauty pageants there's always one girl who's slightly too fat, one who's slightly too tall, too short, doesn't have the right hair length... in this one it didn't matter who won because they were EXACTLY THE SAME. There was one girl who went down the catwalk and when she got to the end, did the full head toss, pout and pose. I nearly peed in my pants laughing at the cheesiness and cliche.

Miss Malaga won and burst into tears. I was hoping one of the losers would cry. But on the whole I don't think I approve of it being on TV. I felt very inadequate after watching all these brown, slim girls with beautiful long hair parading around (sort of like watching a dancing troupe of inverted, groomed mops). If I have children, I will never let them watch such bosh. The elimination process was weird too. In Australia, on reality TV, they usually call out the names of the people who've won so the ones who are left become more and more stressed but here they did it in alphabetical order, so they lined them up and were like 'Miss Alicante, yep, Miss Bilbao, sorry you lose...' And Miss Espana? Why not Miss Spain or Senorita Espana? Just another indication of the pervasive and evil forces of franchises I suppose. Bah to that.

There's a Mr Espana too. That aired on television last Friday. Such a shame I missed it. I imagine it would have been reminiscent of 'Zoolander'. Cheers to orange mocha frappucinos.